I must admit..
that i cannot let go..
"the first and the last"
the sentence that i once uttered and promised..somehow seems to be true
i do not understand..
why
why
that the feeling and the past keep on haunting me..
i do not know why..is it because my devour is so great that there is juz no way for me to let go?
or is it just because of guilty-ness..that make me keep on recall of the past ..of the previous incidence?
i was studying..trying to absorb the physiology of motor neuron..
when i suddenly thought of it..
tears welled up my eyes
the face..
the morning wake up call..
the mushroom soup and the toasted garlic bread..
the comfort of the mattress..
the morning kiss..
and then it flashed on my mind
the moment
of sadness
of tears..
the small eyes with tears with that "little kid" lips
the comforting.
and the hug and kisses.
and then again flashed across my mind..
the effort..
without complains..
the nasi goreng kampung and milo ice that we had for dinnner at tutorial room
the sweetness..
and then it came the sad part..
the anger..
my scolding
the proper way of sitting..
the argument at cafe...
and many more
i hate myself..
why i do not know how to appreciate
i am like a heartless beast
the more i recall..
the more guilt i felt
and the more angry i am towards myself
still
i still in 50-50 doubt
i dunno wat to do..
albeit i'm on the edge and losing is something tat inevitable alr..
still there is hope in me
but deep in me..i am worried
i scared of all the problem that will arise again..
i dun wan to hurt the same person again..
but i cannot lose her..
i dunno wat to do..
although sometimes i am very angry of the treatment that i received from you now
i dun blame you..i put the blame on myself
i deserve it
my fault
god..please give me a sign..
i need ur guidance..
i miss you..
